I heard an interesting fact recently - apparently one of the most reliable ways to determine if someone is a psychopath or not is to monitor them to see if they yawn. If they don't, then they are most definitely a psychopath and you should remove yourself from their presence fairly lively. If they do yawn they are 100% normal and you can be best friends 4 eva.
Obviously I was mildly curious to know why psychopaths never experience tiredness. How can they not get tired? And if that's true of all psychopaths, have they tried the paleo diet? That'd sort them right out. When I say I was mildly curious, I mean I furiously embarked on a terror fueled Wikipedia exploration in search of answers. If they have 24 hours a day to put in, how have fluffy bunnies not become an extinct species? I'm pretty sure if I had 8 hours extra in my day there's a chance I'd end up taking out newborn lambs for sport too.
So, my research revealed a multitude. Firstly there's this thing out there called 'psychology' that is, apparently, a science. It's defined as the science of the mind. I wanted to know more but was reluctant to purchase the recommended starter kit (glass ball, some scented oils and a pack of tarot cards). Anyway, the more advanced scientists in this area have devoted years of research into the yawn. Why do we do it? What does it achieve? Why does it annoy lecturers? Is there a more attractive substitute? As far as I can tell, the answers are not very clear. What did emerge though is that yawning actually has little or nothing to do with being tired. It's a social cue. Which is why, presumably, psychopaths don't necessarily pick up on it.
Consider the following scenario:
Doctors waiting room
Woman 1: Wow, that's a big yawn from the guy in the corner. That's why he's here at the doctors. So stressed and tired. Poor guy. Probably only has a few months left. Best yawn back to show my solidarity and heartfelt well wishes.
Man 1: Myyyy homeboyyyy. Dude must be tired, probably up all night playing GTA5. What a brah. Better show him I approve of his devotion to the cause and give him a cheeky yawn back.
Woman 2: God, everyone in here is yawning. Am I the only one not getting any post midnight action? This is like, so depressing. Best put on a bit of a show here. Yawn.
Guy in corner: Look at all these creatures opening their mouths and closing them again. I'm so glad I'm a superior being and don't have to waste hours with such trivial nonsense. Oh wow. I just figured out what's going on. One of them must have glanced at me in a polite furtive fashion and promptly averted their gaze as British people are born to do. Rather unfortunate, but I reckon they think my jaw-lock is a yawn. Bless their souls! And now they are all compelled to return my yawn, like an adult version of pass the parcel. Well, isn't that just precious. In other news, that receptionist's nails are exceptional. They would look so well on my mantelpiece.
Consider the following scenario:
Doctors waiting room
Woman 1: Wow, that's a big yawn from the guy in the corner. That's why he's here at the doctors. So stressed and tired. Poor guy. Probably only has a few months left. Best yawn back to show my solidarity and heartfelt well wishes.
Man 1: Myyyy homeboyyyy. Dude must be tired, probably up all night playing GTA5. What a brah. Better show him I approve of his devotion to the cause and give him a cheeky yawn back.
Woman 2: God, everyone in here is yawning. Am I the only one not getting any post midnight action? This is like, so depressing. Best put on a bit of a show here. Yawn.
Guy in corner: Look at all these creatures opening their mouths and closing them again. I'm so glad I'm a superior being and don't have to waste hours with such trivial nonsense. Oh wow. I just figured out what's going on. One of them must have glanced at me in a polite furtive fashion and promptly averted their gaze as British people are born to do. Rather unfortunate, but I reckon they think my jaw-lock is a yawn. Bless their souls! And now they are all compelled to return my yawn, like an adult version of pass the parcel. Well, isn't that just precious. In other news, that receptionist's nails are exceptional. They would look so well on my mantelpiece.
So, as this is a very well thought out scenario, likely to be happening at least once per minute in any given place the world over, it can be concluded that there are psychopaths all around us. #stats #reliable And we'll never know. Not until Apple release their long awaited and highly anticipated 'yawnometer' app anyway. (Copyright. Just in case this blog takes off). But then I figured - what use is a robust and genius app like the yawnometer going to be if your iPhone runs out of juice just as you decide to zoom in on some dude's mouth on the underground? He is wearing a three piece suit with black Nike Free 5.0 flyknits after-all. Classic psychopath attire I would imagine. So what do you do then?
Well luckily you have me here to put in some serious background research. It turns out that studies have shown (real ones this time, from Universities, peer reviewed and all.) that certified psychopaths have been confirmed to have a lesser functioning orbitofrontal cortex than average in tests. This part of the brain is the bit involved in smelling. Because of their dodgy orbitofrontal cortices, the theory was put forward that this probably had a direct impact on their sense of smell. Cue more tests. Quite interestingly, I have not been able to locate results from these tests, where certified psychopaths were made smell burning rubber and mint leaves through prison cell bars (or similar. Presumably.) But I have no doubt that the theory is solid. Look at all the big words for heavens sake! They must be on to something.
So anyway the answer - what do you do when your iPhone dies when you're on the underground and a guy wearing a three piece suit with black Nike Free 5.0 flyknits is staring at the 'Use to break glass in case of Emergency' mini hammer? You let one rip. Obviously. That will enable you to confirm his psychological status. I'm not sure what you do then, but we've figured out the hard part and that's what matters.
The extra great thing about these useful life tools is that they can be applied in all kinds of situations. You don't have to be on the underground with a guy wearing a three piece suit with black Nike Free 5.0 flyknits. So next time you're at a friends Summer BBQ party and Daniel's cousin's husband pops some goldfish from the tank inside on the grill, you will know what to do.
